How I feel

I firstly would like to apologise for not uploading a blog in over a week now, I have been very busy and although it is no excuse – I have struggled to find a moment to sit down for an hour or so and write. 

I know for some, depression may be something that they can explain and describe quite easily (once it is diagnosed) nevertheless, mostly depression is something that is generally extremely difficult to describe- especially when you don’t know you are suffering from it. However, today I am not going to go through the diagnosis of depression (- how you know you have it, and how to deal with it). Instead I am going to write something quite close to home and something that may be quite difficult to write; or even understand from your view (not that you guys aren’t empathetic it’s just that I am not that good at describing things – especially my feelings.) Hopefully, nevertheless this won’t be too confusing and you may be able to follow me on this while I attempt to describe depression (perhaps metaphorically as I find it easier to describe that way.)

I find it best to look upon depression as if it is almost a person; I’m not really sure why this makes things so much easier but it really does. If you were to describe the person of depression unfortunately there wouldn’t be a positive word to throw in there – he or she is generally on overview of negativity and everything bad you have ever been accused of or how you have ever felt.

They’re (person of depression) is almost a mental weight, literally pulling you down – making you upset as you remember everything you wanted to forget. Not only mentally does it pull you down, but with the mental state physically it can effect the way you act. Depression is mostly the thing that will make you drop your head (effecting your posture) and once you drop your head often your confidence and ego drops with it. It’s almost like constantly having someone on your back. They tell you –  whenever you are happy, to question your happiness and they pull you back to a state you would rather be out of.

Not only physically does it feel like it is on your back, but also on the back of your mind. Yes, people who suffer from depression may smile from time to time, but then every fear, accused sin, and hatred will come running back. The people who suffer from depression’s face will drop as suddenly the depression is back on their back again. Some people call them mood swings, but mood swings can’t just label something so terrible and make it sound normal and controllable. No, these aren’t mood swings and something that your parents will say you will “grow out of and become mature enough to deal with”; no, these need treatment because this is depression.

Depression is like watching the whole world come crashing down to your feet and you can’t do anything about it. It’s like crying a waterfall but having nobody to clear it up afterwards. It’s like trying to scream for help but nobody can hear you or even wants to help. It’s almost like living in a black hole – oblivious to the world and feeling down in the dumps with everything surrounding you dark and gloomy; despite the rest of the world happy and overjoyed. I think the pure fact that everyone else is okay and you aren’t, can make things a whole lot harder – you feel like there is nobody to relate to and truthfully that is one of the worst things to deal with – being alone when you are lonely. Speaking to people and expressing your opinion and feelings can really help this – you will find out that you really aren’t alone and it is normal (although hard) to feel this way.

When I feel down I often just want to go to a field alone, sit on the grass with my headphones in and read a book in the sun. Just with the attempt to pull myself out of the black hole, and back to reality where I know that maybe everything will be just fine. However, I never do this and maybe I should.

Referring back to my childhood while I am saddened definitely doesn’t help in the slightest. It reminds me that when growing up as a child I never wanted to be this way (I still don’t now) and I never knew that I would feel this way. I thought being a teenager would be fun – well the joke’s on me, I guess.

One of the quotes that I treasure is – “cry as much as you want to, but when you’re finished, you never cry for the same reason again” ~ Wiz Khalifa. I’m not sure why I like it so much; it’s probably because it accepts that fact that crying is okay, it’s natural and most importantly it is human, but it also helps to point out that you shouldn’t cry over anything twice because it just isn’t worth it – get it out of your system now and just forget about it nothing is worth more than one waterfall.

Often people refer to this “person of depression” as a demon inside of our minds we are constantly fighting. However, I see demons as something that can’t be tamed – they will always be there with the same power and authority over the rest of your feelings and you cannot do anything about it. That however, is not how it is. There will always be demons in your mind, in your heart and it’s not about destroying them- we all do things we will later regret – it’s called being human. Demons don’t cause sins, they cause mistakes, and it is important that you understand that we all have our demons and with your mistake thousands of people around the world would have made one ten times worse (because of their demons too). Therapy and help is not about killing off your demons – you will still do things you will regret and it won’t let you instantly forget and move on, in fact it has nothing to do with your demons – just your person of depression. Therapy will just tame him/her and help you control them. You will still get upset, but it is unlikely you will feel as low as you feel right now ever again after successful therapy – it gets you out of the difficult time frame you are trapped in, making the person of depression lighter and easier to deal with. It will build your posture, make you smile and generally make you happier as a person. So when the world comes crashing down it won’t be at your feet but at your fingertips – ready for you to pick up again.

– Go and seek all the help you need to get back up on your feet again –

ily,

Ellie (:

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