My thoughts on suicide

Feeling suicidal is an emotion that nobody should ever have to go through. To value your life less than any other humans’ and to feel as if others value your life less is something that needs support immediately. Every 40 seconds somebody will take their own life.That is a statistic that nobody will ever or should ever be proud of. The fact that we allow others to get the extend that they don’t want to breath anymore because they feel worthless and are struggling to find a reason to live is beyond disgusting. The fact we think bullying is “okay”, judging people “doesn’t matter” and upsetting one deliberately is “the least of our worries” is horrendous. Depressing somebody due to your actions is terrible as it is already, but forcing someone to take their own life is unbelievably wrong.

I know that I am not the only one who has been told to “kill myself” and I know how hard it is to believe that I have a reason to live just as much as they do. I am aware of the pain, the agony and the feeling you contain that nobody cares for you, and making somebody feel like that and not even flinching at the fact you are responsible for those thoughts is the reason I have nightmares.

You don’t have to have tell somebody to kill themselves to become an insulting part of the reasoning behind the statistics, you could simply joke about suicide. Tell a half-hearted joke that was supposed to amuse but simply led to more pain and tears. You could be aware of the suicidal thoughts that others are having – and do nothing about it. You could watch bullying occur or even join in – and not help the victim. There is definitely a list of reasons you are a part of the issue, perhaps it is rather long. Nevertheless no list could be longer than the one that states the things you can do to save a soul; and it all starts with telling a responsible adult.

If we continue to be irresponsible with our behavior towards others, perhaps soon there will be no ‘others’ to be irresponsible to. (In other words, if your maturity and kindness declines so does your popularity).

To all those who are suicidal, please, don’t close this down yet.

What you are experiencing sucks; but I’m not here to tell you that, there’s no point in telling you something that you already know. I promise you though, it will get better. I know you will have been told that a thousand times, but I can’t empathize it enough. Next year, or the year after you will be back to your happy self and everything will be beautiful again. I understand your current thoughts are dark, the beauty of the earth is over shadowed by your sadness and the whole world has become a darker picture – but it won’t always be like this.

You are gorgeous and the world will never see another person like you again. I love you so much and I am always here if you ever need to talk about anything in the world ( Please, don’t let them win though, every day you complete is a day closer to happiness and every tear of sadness you shed is a waterfall closer to laughter.

I promise you now, that I will upload a blog very soon on how to tackle suicidal thoughts (it will be in a lot more depth) – but please hold on until then.

I am so sorry that this blog is rather brief, I have had a lot of homework to complete and although the excuse is pathetic I do struggle to find the spare time. My aim at the moment is to post every 4 days, nevertheless I can’t promise that all the time, I’m very sorry. 😦

– “Self harm or suicide is never the answer. Don’t let the haters win.” ~ Korn –

ily and stay strong,

Ellie (:


Ten reasons to be happy

So, quite a few of you guys have asked me to post more regularly now, and I will definitely try to upload a lot more but I can’t quite guarantee a number to it yet (days in between each post). I promise however, I will try my very best πŸ™‚

As well as the above, a couple of people have asked for me to make an Instagram account to go hand-in-hand with this blog. I currently have one up and running my username is – ‘hidying’ however I have a personal as well called – ‘1.13pm’ feel free to check out both of them and give them a follow. Following back the first 10 (new) follows on each account (starting now). πŸ™‚

Unhappiness, for a person like you, should be a word that is unfamiliar, and the feelings attached to it should be simply sympathetic towards other people. It should not be depressing for your own past. The fact that being unhappy is really difficult is definitely the pure reason as to why my blog today is about reasons to happy. Although, sometimes it is (I guess) good to be upset in circumstances such as loosing a friend or family member you should never, ever be unhappy for a long period of time no matter what – nothing is worth more than one cry. I hope these help cheer you up πŸ™‚ –

1) You’re freaking hot – inside and out; and you don’t have to count your tears to see that.

2) People who have been assholes to you, they will get asshole back sooner or later in their life and regret being the issue. It’s karma – “what goes around, comes around” you’ve just got to be patient and wait for that apology.

3) You’re freaking gorgeous and anyone who tells you otherwise is reason you know you are. It’s jealously and sometimes when people get jealous they get quite cruel – but you’ll soon learn to deal with people like that, trust me. πŸ™‚

4) Somebody out there is waiting for a boy/girl exactly like you. You have been paired up with someone and one day you are going to cross paths and never shed a tear again.

5) I love you loads and I’m always here if you need to talk about anything in the world – any issues, any opinion, any confusion, feedback, advice or maybe just a friendly chat because, I love you guys and I always want to be here for you no matter what. I don’t just want to be a blogger – I want to be a friend.

6) In ten years you are going to be completely in love with the man/woman of your dreams. Who knows, maybe you will be married and have beautiful children of your own. All negative feelings will be distant.

7) Last night, someone stayed up dreaming about you being theirs they just haven’t admitted it yet. Who knows, maybe you dream about them too πŸ’“

8) Cold and rainy nights at home, reading your favourite book with a steaming cup of tea.

9) You’re still breathing, still winning, still fighting and that is such an achievement after all you have gone through. You’re ahead and the finish line of this depression is in sight, on the other side there is only happiness; you’re nearly there – don’t give up now.

10) If today is the worst day of your life, then that must mean that tomorrow shall be better. Things can only go up – don’t loose hope.

– “I hope one day you are as happy as you’re pretending to be” –


Ellie (:

p.s no fake smiles today – express yourself and emotions πŸ˜‰

p.s today’s blog was pretty bad but I am writing a rather large blog currently and this is just something I thought I just wanted quickly write up in between due to your requests πŸ™‚

How I feel

I firstly would like to apologise for not uploading a blog in over a week now, I have been very busy and although it is no excuse – I have struggled to find a moment to sit down for an hour or so and write.Β 

I know for some, depression may be something that they can explain and describe quite easily (once it is diagnosed) nevertheless, mostly depression is something that is generally extremely difficult to describe- especially when you don’t know you are suffering from it. However, today I am not going to go through the diagnosis of depression (- how you know you have it, and how to deal with it). Instead I am going to write something quite close to home and something that may be quite difficult to write; or even understand from your view (not that you guys aren’t empathetic it’s just that I am not that good at describing things – especially my feelings.) Hopefully, nevertheless this won’t be too confusing and you may be able to follow me on this while I attempt to describe depression (perhaps metaphorically as I find it easier to describe that way.)

I find it best to look upon depression as if it is almost a person; I’m not really sure why this makes things so much easier but it really does. If you were to describe the person of depression unfortunately there wouldn’t be a positive word to throw in there – he or she is generally on overview of negativity and everything bad you have ever been accused of or how you have ever felt.

They’re (person of depression) is almost a mental weight, literally pulling you down – making you upset as you remember everything you wanted to forget. Not only mentally does it pull you down, but with the mental state physically it can effect the way you act. Depression is mostly the thing that will make you drop your head (effecting your posture) and once you drop your head often your confidence and ego drops with it. It’s almost like constantly having someone on your back. They tell you –Β  whenever you are happy, to question your happiness and they pull you back to a state you would rather be out of.

Not only physically does it feel like it is on your back, but also on the back of your mind. Yes, people who suffer from depression may smile from time to time, but then every fear, accused sin, and hatred will come running back. The people who suffer from depression’s face will drop as suddenly the depression is back on their back again. Some people call them mood swings, but mood swings can’t just label something so terrible and make it sound normal and controllable. No, these aren’t mood swings and something that your parents will say you will “grow out of and become mature enough to deal with”; no, these need treatment because this is depression.

Depression is like watching the whole world come crashing down to your feet and you can’t do anything about it. It’s like crying a waterfall but having nobody to clear it up afterwards. It’s like trying to scream for help but nobody can hear you or even wants to help. It’s almost like living in a black hole – oblivious to the world and feeling down in the dumps with everything surrounding you dark and gloomy; despite the rest of the world happy and overjoyed. I think the pure fact that everyone else is okay and you aren’t, can make things a whole lot harder – you feel like there is nobody to relate to and truthfully that is one of the worst things to deal with – being alone when you are lonely. Speaking to people and expressing your opinion and feelings can really help this – you will find out that you really aren’t alone and it is normal (although hard) to feel this way.

When I feel down I often just want to go to a field alone, sit on the grass with my headphones in and read a book in the sun. Just with the attempt to pull myself out of the black hole, and back to reality where I know that maybe everything will be just fine. However, I never do this and maybe I should.

Referring back to my childhood while I am saddened definitely doesn’t help in the slightest. It reminds me that when growing up as a child I never wanted to be this way (I still don’t now) and I never knew that I would feel this way. I thought being a teenager would be fun – well the joke’s on me, I guess.

One of the quotes that I treasure is – “cry as much as you want to, but when you’re finished, you never cry for the same reason again” ~ Wiz Khalifa. I’m not sure why I like it so much; it’s probably because it accepts that fact that crying is okay, it’s natural and most importantly it is human, but it also helps to point out that you shouldn’t cry over anything twice because it just isn’t worth it – get it out of your system now and just forget about it nothing is worth more than one waterfall.

Often people refer to this “person of depression” as a demon inside of our minds we are constantly fighting. However, I see demons as something that can’t be tamed – they will always be there with the same power and authority over the rest of your feelings and you cannot do anything about it. That however, is not how it is. There will always be demons in your mind, in your heart and it’s not about destroying them- we all do things we will later regret – it’s called being human. Demons don’t cause sins, they cause mistakes, and it is important that you understand that we all have our demons and with your mistake thousands of people around the world would have made one ten times worse (because of their demons too). Therapy and help is not about killing off your demons – you will still do things you will regret and it won’t let you instantly forget and move on, in fact it has nothing to do with your demons – just your person of depression. Therapy will just tame him/her and help you control them. You will still get upset, but it is unlikely you will feel as low as you feel right now ever again after successful therapy – it gets you out of the difficult time frame you are trapped in, making the person of depression lighter and easier to deal with. It will build your posture, make you smile and generally make you happier as a person. So when the world comes crashing down it won’t be at your feet but at your fingertips – ready for you to pick up again.

– Go and seek all the help you need to get back up on your feet again –


Ellie (:

Song recommendations

Music is definitely something that has helped me conquer a lot of negative feelings, and has also made me feel more self-worthy and happy. Although some songs are made to provoke sadness the fact I can relate to them make me feel as if I am no longer alone, but there are people battling like me (and there is trust me πŸ˜‰ ). The fact that the loneliness was reducing allowed me to be more positive, therefore helping me battle through anything stood in my way.

I know that everyone likes different genres so I will try to pluck out some songs from all the genres I can think of nevertheless, I tend to find more rock, indie and metal songs directly relating to these feelings (especially since this is the music I listen to – I have managed to discover more tracks). Obviously, there are exceptions from these genres and songs I may have not heard myself, so if I haven’t mentioned any track you think would help the rest of us, make sure to leave a comment, direct message me on Instagram (@1.13am), Facebook message me (Ellie Holmes) or email me However, apart from that I hope you guys enjoy these tracks πŸ˜‰

Please note that – not all of these songs will directly relate to depression,or not being in your best place some could simply just cheer you up πŸ™‚ )

Β Metal

  • Killpop – Slipknot (although this is a slightly softer Slipknot song it is definitely worth the listen and the lyrics can be related to at certain points or if not all points πŸ™‚ )
  • Beaten In Lips – Beartooth (Beartooth is a metal core band and their songs are pretty impressive – this one is definitely worth the listen)
  • Hater – Korn (This is a massive song for me as it has helped me so much, I remember that whenever I used to feel upset or frustrated after school, I would just run home and put it on full blast in my room – it made everything so much better)
  • Last Breath – Attack Attack! (This is a new band I have recently discovered and I thought that they had some pretty cool tracks that some metal fans may enjoy πŸ™‚ )
  • Moving On – Asking Alexandria (Some of the lyrics can definitely be related to and it is an extremely cute song :3 )
  • Skeptic – Slipknot (This is my favourite song at the moment so I had to put this on πŸ˜‰ It has some really nice lyrics to it as well – if you listen carefully)


  • Can You Feel My Heart – Bring Me The Horizon (So many people do argue that BMTH aren’t rock and I accept that as you can’t really place them in a genre as they are a mixture of quite a lot of genres – nevertheless I do like their music and I just thought that I would put them in the rock section ;).)
  • Better Off Dead – Sleeping With Sirens (This is my favourite rock song at the moment nevertheless I did have to listen to it a couple of times before I got into it properly)
  • F**k you (Cee-Lo Green cover) – Sleeping With Sirens (This is an awesome cover and I do admit that I listen to it quite frequently)
  • Bulletproof love – Pierce The Veil (Pierce The Veil are a post-hardcore band but they definitely deserve a place in the rock section. The lyrics to this song are outstanding and that’s pretty much how they got there place here)
  • Stop Crying Your Heart Out – Oasis (I don’t even think I need to inform you as to why this song and band is on this playlist – because it’s Oasis?)
  • Wonderwall – Oasis (No explanation needed)
  • Teenage Daughter – Dog Is Dead (Dog is Dead are a local band for myself and they are just such nice guys who make such deep, cute music; they are definitely worth listening to :3 )
  • The Middle – Jimmy Eat World (The lyrics to this song are very successful at depicting self-hope and giving you confidence to continue with your battle)
  • Ain’t No Friend – Lower Than Atlantis (Lower Than Atlantis are an alternative rock bands and they have some really inspiring songs to tune in to.)
  • Woo Woo – Biffy Clyro (I used to be addicted to this band and I suppose I still can’t resist listening to their songs. They seem like generally such nice guys who make such incredible music.)


  • Therapy – All Time Low (The lyrics to this song can be related to by so many teenagers (and perhaps adults) all over the world and this song is definitely worth the listen if you maybe want something to relate to)
  • Adam’s Song – Blink-182 (Although this song is quite depressing and the lyrics are quite upsetting it is definitely a song to listen to, and despite the fact it is an amazing song in some ways I really hope you guys can’t relate to it…)
  • In Too Deep – Sum 41 (Sum 41 are such a cool band and pretty much all their songs are worth the listen, so make sure to check them out when you a moment to spare)
  • Why Worry – Set It Off (Set It Off are a relatively new band but I can already predict that soon they may be pretty big in the punk industry)
  • There’s A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Thought of It Yet – Panic!At The Disco (A lot of their songs have a quite happy feel (- with the instruments and rhythm)to them; despite the fact that some lyrics don’t necessarily represent the tune. This song and pretty much all their other songs are very successful at cheering people up, so whenever you feel down make sure to give them a listen.)
  • The Hunter – Slaves (I’m going to see this band when they are on tour soon and I just adore their music so, ye πŸ˜‰ )
  • Tell Me I’m a Wreck – Every Avenue (This also used to be a favourite of mine and it is a good song)


  • Same Love – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Mary Lambert (I think that no matter your sexuality this song is a really cute one to support equality and no matter what, it can help you love yourself even when you may think others do not – which for your information I’m sure they do ;).)
  • The Show – Lenka (This song used to get me through a lot even though I’m not a massive pop fan.)
  • Broken Strings – James Morrison & Nelly Furtado (This is quite an old song but still a good one)
  • F***k you – Lilly Allen (The tune to this song is so catchy and I suppose you could say it’s a good way to release anger, I don’t know aha, sorry – I don’t really know what to say xD )
  • Pack Up – Eliza Doolittle (This was such a popular song a while ago and I think we can definitely bring it back;) )
  • Cooler Than Me – Mike Posner (No explanation needed)
  • Riptide – Vance Joy (This just has a really cute tune to it.)

– Discover some new music to cheer you up and give you positive thoughts –


Ellie (:

Tackling bullying

Bullying is definitely something that the majority of us have or will face. Bullying is the persistent action or aim to hurt yours or someone else’s feelings or the victims’ physical selves. For the pure reason that it is so damaging physically and mentally makes it an extremely hard problem to deal with at first; nevertheless when you are aware on how easy it is yet how drastically it can change everything, it is no longer seen as much of an issue to tackle it.

After two years of bullying mine is still going however, it is not effecting me as much anymore. These tips might not necessarily stop the bullying completely however, they should hopefully make you less effected by this negativity and that pretty much destroys the whole concept of it if you are happier. You must remember that people who bully want you to feel saddened by their actions, so feeling down because they aren’t nice people in the slightest is the wrong way to go. Keep smiling around them and they will get the idea that they can’t get to you and therefore they may back off a bit πŸ˜‰

I have never actually bullied anyone, I have been falsely accused of it on many occasions nevertheless never have I deliberately hurt a soul – it’s really not who I am (Bullying is not cool). So perhaps me talking like I know a bully would be difficult (as none of my friends or family are bullies either), talking like I know about the victims is more likely and relatable for myself. Nevertheless, I’m not going to tell you the same thing every other blog and website says about – “the bully is just sad themselves so they try to drag others down with them.” I feel like that attitude is giving sympathy to somebody who deliberately afflicts pain? The attitude I go with is that we have to remember that the bully is also a person, so knowing their background and how they have been brought up could change the attitudes and the way they behave. (However that is never an excuse for serious issues.) Therefore, you must be really careful about how you handle them – as the mindset they are in may not be the same as your own.However never is there an excuse for bullying no matter what – not even if in previous days you were bullied yourself.

One extremely important thing is not to retaliate to what they are doing no matter what. Not only are you giving them the unwanted attention they are pleading for, but also you may be becoming the bully. Sometimes, they will deliberately be trying to catch you out so the tables are turned and you look like the issue despite the fact you are not.

Remember – never feel guilty for things that are not your fault like bullying.

All the time, people tell me to go and speak to a responsible adult or Councillor and tell them about my feelings and what the bullies have said or done to me. I always found it quite tricky, I felt like nobody really understood me and truthfully I was just wasting my time. I ended up battling alone which definitely wasn’t easy – because the fight it’s self was anything but. The thing that later changed my mind was blogs and websites – I thought nobody was like me, I was just the lonely girl tackling a problem no one else had ever faced; then however after reading all these webpages it clicked that I wasn’t the only one and I needed help. I now try to tell my parents and family more about my issues, perhaps I do not tell them everything but I am gradually building up to. I am telling you all this to simply state that truthfully you do need to go and tell an adult. Out of the 7.125 billion people in the world you are not the only one struggling, and Councillor’s are paid to help, your parents and family love you and both of those sets of people want to see you smile. Bullying can be stopped with the exchanging of emotions of words – it is not pointless.

Often, bullying can become so severe that you may be considering moving schools. This is definitely to action to take if you don’t feel safe, and the teachers aren’t supporting you through this time. Nevertheless, one thing to consider before you go off to a completely new environment is that unfortunately, there are going to be bullies at all schools – you can’t really escape them. A new start at this time may seem convenient, but once you’re there and you have to make a brand new group of friends it could make things a lot harder to deal with, especially since the loneliness and insecurity you felt back won’t go away immediately when you step through a different set of doors. Sometimes it may be better to speak to someone and ask for their input on what they think you should do in this situation. This could be to Childline, to a responsible adult (or friend) or to a Councillor whichever you would prefer.

Finally, I would like to finish on the fact that often bullying occurs down to jealousy. You know when someone has a really cute outfit and you really want it; well often some people can get flashes of anger towards that person because they want it but instead you have it. It would be the exact same perhaps towards the relationships you have with people, your looks or your hobbies. Most of the time bullying comes down to this, and while bullying is really unpleasant it can prove some incredible things – you’re doing everything right and everyone wants to be just like you (;

– Don’t let negative attitudes destroy your positive vibes ~ you’re gorgeous –


Ellie (: – for advice, support, feedback or simply to share your stories


Self confidence is definitely one of the best keys to happiness. Feeling happy and self-worthy in your own skin is something that we all dream of. The problem that we all find is that even though it is such a valued trait to have – it is extremely hard to develop and keep especially after a tough time. Now, unfortunately I can’t tell you how to gain self-confidence because that’s pretty hard from a girl who doesn’t have that much confidence in herself anyway; but I can give you some tips as to how to be yourself – and hopefully as you begin to accept these points your self-confidence will also increase which should (fingers crossed) lead to a happier life which is really my aim (:

1) Wear exactly what you want to wear. If it’s winter but you just bought a really cute new pair of shorts and you want to wear them – you go and put them on and wear them exactly how you want to wear them (unless it’s so cold you might catch your death in which case – please be careful!) I think the key to this is not to care what anyone else thinks of you. Yes, it’s easier said than done but once you challenge yourself to wear something that isn’t what society wants you to necessarily wear for the first time, it will be so much easier the second, or third time etc round. You don’t have to follow trends or follow what the popular girls and boys wear at school – we all have our own trends and fashions that we set. There are no boundaries to being beautiful. Would you rather be told that you look beautiful like all the other girls and boys, or beautiful because you are happy in your own skin and you are accepting who you really are.

2) Find some new friends who let you value yourself for who you are. Now, I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for, yes we fall out a lot but that’s because we are a bunch of girls, and despite the fact we are completely different in personalities we support each other through absolutely everything and anything. They have shown me the significance of friendship. If you are constantly feeling alone, or your friendship group just doesn’t accept you for who you are and puts you down constantly; it’s time to move on. Friends shouldn’t make you feel any less of yourself – in fact they should give you positivity and if they don’t – unfortunately they aren’t good friends. Although letting them go may be hard at first if this will make you happier in the long term it is the best thing to do. Perhaps, you won’t even have to fully move on from them – you could just join a sport or a hobby and make some more friends who will value you further. Feeling wanted is extremely important and a new friendship group can really help this.

3) Report all negativity and bullying to a responsible adult. People who are bullies and will deliberately try to make people feel less about themselves should not be listened to in any circumstances. If people are being disrespectful to yourself they should no longer be even kept in the back of your mind but reported to somebody immediately. Bullying is one of the main reasons that self-confidence is such an issue, and after being a vicitm myself I can’t empathize enough about how important it is that you go and tell an adult. This can be anyone as long as they are responsible and trust-worthy enough. This could be your mum, your dad, your carer or even a Councillor if you feel more confident speaking to one. You must ignore every negative thought they put into your mind, and replace it with the fact that you are so damn beautiful, and you should be so proud of yourself for everything you have accomplished – whether it is a big or a little thing. Talking to someone and expressing your opinion with someone who really cares about you (which is everyone bar those nasty pieces of work) can make you feel so much happier and confident that you will always have someone to turn to whenever you feel down.

I know, these are only three tips but if I come up with anymore then I will make sure to do a part two of ‘Self-confidence’ if it is really helping yourself – which is really the aim of this blog πŸ˜‰

– Go out today and do something that makes you happy –


Ellie (:

p.s I would recommend checking out this video it’s very cute and may be helpful to build your confidence (make sure to watch it to the end) >.< – for support, advice or simply for sharing your stories

Tackling teenage depression

One of the main topics I guess you could state – “I have experience in” is depression, after experiencing a variety of moments I wish could be forgotten. Being a teenager nevertheless, I do understand how common it is to undertake such feelings and I believe if you are also experiencing such pain you really need to believe this too.

I’m not a scientist so please don’t quote me on this but at the teenage age your hormones are running wild. Depression is often caused because of this – and this is why it is so common (if you were wondering – which you probably weren’t). I thought I would just inform you on this as it may help you to understand that you’re not alone. Depression is difficult, constantly feeling alone, down and upset isn’t really a highlight of your life. However, you can make it a highlight of your life by getting it sorted once and for all. If your depression is severe and you are becoming suicidal it is extremely (and I can’t stress the importance of this enough) that you go and see your doctor/ GP immediately to seek advice. Another alternative is regularly greeting with a councilor to help support you (this also applies if you are cutting or hurting yourself deliberately in any form). Otherwise, here is your advice πŸ˜‰

1) Sport. Sport helps literally everything – your health, moral, it reduces stress and it can make you a better person. Find a sport you love and get going immediately πŸ™‚

2) Tell someone (an adult or a friend) about how you are feeling, they could offer you advice – especially if you aren’t ready to confront your parents or your GP.

3) Find a hobby like playing a musical instrument to give you something to look forward to do after a long stressful day.

4) Go and bake something yummy – I don’t know whether this is just a personal thing but I find baking really enjoyable and it helps me reduce my stress rates while also having a scrumptious snack all to myself πŸ˜‰

5) DON’T PUT ON A FAKE SMILE. Express yourself, when you are upset don’t be afraid to admit it – don’t keep everything bottled up. If you aren’t happy about something confront the person or problem and tackle it. (As long as it doesn’t involve: physical actions – which is never a good option, hurting someone physically or mentally deliberately or hurting yourself further – please don’t do anything you will further regret)

If anyone ever has any extra tips you would like to share or has any issues they would like to discuss please don’t hesitate to send me a quick email on

– Stay healthy and happy –